Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Миний эссэйг шалгаж өгч туслаарай

За Булгаа нь сүүлийн үед нэг эссэтэй их олон хоног зууралдлаа (Бараг 2 долоо хоног, Ихэнх хугацааг нь толгойн дотроо бодож өнгөрөөсөн :D)
Тэгээд ямар нэгэн дүрмийн алдаа байвал хэлж өгөөч.
Хамгийн гол нь энэ эссэ нь хэр тухайн уншигчыг ятгаж чадаж байна (Минийх persuasive essay нд орно л доо)
Intro гайгүй болжуу? гэх мэтийн бүх зөвлөгөөг авахийг хүсч байна?

Санаа оноо шүүмжлэлийг хайр найргүй миний энэ блог дээр comment бичиж ч юмуу твиттер дээр твийт бичиж үлдээгээрэй.


The Disadvantages of live in underground homes

Living aboveground is a normal thing for people except those live in Coober Pedy.

They live in house under the surface called dug-out to hide from unfavorable climate and flies.

Dug-outs can be very useful in areas similar to Coober Pedy where it is always more than 100ºF.

Notwithstanding its benefits, these houses have very bad disadvantages that make them not valuable in rest of world. Its lack of fresh air and natural lights, the complication to get plumbing and electricity, and limited building areas the main reasons why they are not popular.

First and foremost disadvantage of underground homes is it does not have enough air flow and natural light due to its location.

Basically, Dug-out is just a big hole dug into the underground.

Because of that it allows little amount of natural light and fresh air go into these holes.

If the surroundings do not have enough fresh air and natural light, it affects straightly to human body.

Secondly, Having plumbing and electricity in underground homes is much more complicated and expensive than aboveground homes.

The interior of the house is made of mainly rocks.

That means it is very solid and requires special skills, tools to get plumbing and electricity along the walls.

On the other hand, it is financially bad for the person who is going to live in one of those houses.

The last drawback is dug-outs can be easily built in places where there are lots of hills.

Because it is easier to use hills to create dug-outs.

Therefore, its building area is limited due to availability of hills.

For example, it is almost impossible to own this kind of house if the place does not have any hills. However, Building dug-outs in underground by using special devices and techniques is possible. But it costs a lot.

To conclude all of these above, it is very right choice not to live in underground. By choosing living underground house will bring serious diseases. Having fresh, hot, and cold water and electricity is a problem.

Also, its building areas are limited depends on availability of hills.

All of these points telling me that dug-out house is not suitable for people exclude Coober Pedy residents.

(Эхний мөрөн дээрх weird зүйлийг @uguumur надад хэлж тусаллаа. Баярлалаа)


Итгэл said...

уг нь лаг бичсэн байна шд .. англиар ...

тэхдээ жоохон богинохон умуу ... уншвал бараг 30 сэк ндэд уншчих юм бишүү ?

Bibby said...

@itgel - Баярлалаа.
Харин тийм бгаа.

Гэхдээ Эссэйний хамгийн гол шалгуур нь бол Эхлэл Өрнөл (2оос дээш санаа агуулсан бол бүүр сайн) Дүгнэлт гэсэн бүтэцтэй.
Тэрийг л баримталсан ухаантай.

Санаа оноо, шүүмж?

Anonymous said...

Энэ бол тест Булгаа

Халтак said...

oki then I'm agree with what Itgel said.For me it's too short.You said that your essay is persuasive essay yeah?I think your essay is pretty good,i didn't find any grammatical mistake.even though you've 5 paragraphs,there are no enough supporting details.Persuasive essay should have a lot of examples which persuade people who are reading your essay,but for me your essay is not persuasive've jumped too fast when you began your intro part.then I just thought "ok living in underground is bad,but how does it affect to people?" you're just saying disadvantages based on your opinion but there is no proof...
that's what I think,,don't get my advice too seriously =P
sometimes people are wrong kkk

Bibby said...

@Халтак - Thank you for reading my essay and checking for errors and review it.

Sure, I agree with you.

I've been working on this essay for almost 2 weeks. Still i'm not satisfied with this one.
I wanted to write more details. But i dont know what to write.
This drives me crazy because writing an essay is the hardest thing to me.

From my understanding, i should put some statistics or proofs to make people believe what i wanted to write, right?

Thanks for your precious opinion. I will defnietly apply those advices for my next draft.
And i'm gonna post it here.

Халтак said...

aanha,,that's what I think
I feel like your essay is good,but there is something is missing..
You should give a try and then post it here,,
then I gotta chance to see